First times...

The first time i craved a man, I was in school, just barely hitting puberty, and there was this other guy wearing shorts - I happened to gaze at his hairy legs and couldn't help staring, I didn't want to take my eyes away. I think deep down I knew why I was staring but didn't want to admit it even to myself.

In the next few years, on and off some guy would attract me, but I was largely in denial, and when I got a gf that I fucked regularly, I became convinced I was a regular straight guy. But one day, while I was on my way to see my gf, a stranger in public transportation he began fondling my cock (through my pants), he started by just barely brushing past the front of my pants, to test my reaction imagine; I could've pulled away but I reacted by freezing in place getting really hard. It shocked me and aroused me hugely, and I imagined myself getting on my knees and sucking him. If he had whispered to me about going to a hotel there's no doubt i would've said yes - I wonder, if he'd known he could have fucked my virgin teenage boycunt just by asking, if he'd gone ahead and asked me. I fantasise sometimes that he held me by the hand and pulled me away and we went to a cheap sleazy hotel. I imagine the receptionist looking at us in disgust, i imagine myself being led by the hand to the room to be turned from a girl-fucking guy into a cock-sucking, anal-receiving whore, getting my anal cherry popped doggystyle while being called a slut and a whore. Maybe we both missed an opportunity; I met with my gf as if nothing had happened. But after that, what really aroused me about fucking her was imagining I was the one getting cock in her pussy.

Some years later I bought my first female outfit - a simple black blouse, a rather frilly skirt, panties and a bra, bright red nail polish. I only dressed up in private, except that I sometimes spent days with painted toenails. When the gay society at uni announced a drag party for Halloween, I was strongly tempted to go in drag and find someone there to fuck me, but I didn't and went to another party instead. Had I gone, I would have shaved my legs and armpits, gone dressed as a man and would have changed in the toilets there, and then joined the party hoping that someone would pick me up to have his dirty way with a virgin slut, and if no man hit on me, maybe I would have had the nerve to walk up to one and say 'Hi, I like your muscles and want yours to be the first cock to fuck me.'

Around this time, walking on the street, I happened to see a black man, probably in his forties, washing his car. He wasn't especially handsome, but he was muscular and, importantly, topless. I stared at his chest. Had he gotten interested in me and approached me, I would have ended up with black cock up my ass that day.
 
When I finally decided to take the plunge and have sex with another man, I posted an online ad explaining more or less what I was looking for and discussed it a bit more with the first guy that replied - I was determined to get fucked before I could chicken out again. So I went to his place, as agreed I pretended to be unconscious while he stripped me and dressed me as his maid. Then I started 'cleaning' while he fondled me - when he caressed my legs he asked me if my boyfriend liked me hairy, I answered I was a virgin. He took me to the bathroom and made me shave my legs and armpits. He then took me to his bed, we French kissed, he caressed my chest telling me how much he loved my breasts, he put on a condom telling me he didn't want to make me pregnant, grabbed my smooth ankles, put them on his shoulders and fucked me. We spent the night together.

The first time I sucked cock it was the cock of an Italian I also met online - his gf was away and he needed someone to fuck. The first time, we just had anal, but I mentioned wanting to crossdress, so the next time,  I stripped and dressed in the outfit he provided - high heels, fishnet stockings, thong, miniskirt, black lace bra. I roleplayed his new slutty girlfriend. It was so hot when he fondled my ass. That night was also the first time I had a cock in my mouth, and he also fucked my ass.

On receiving blowjobs

I've only ever received a blowjob from a guy once, an I've never fucked a guy, just been fucked. So on that occasion we went to his place, I lay on his bed and let him suck my cock. I don't think he was a bad cocksucker, and he was reasonably handsome, but the only way I stayed hard was by imagining he pulled back, grabbed my hips and flipped me over and fucked me, hard and without saying a word.

My fantasies: Rape, prostitution and others

Some of my fantasies (some darker than others), in no particular order:

• I've been drugged and kidnapped, when I wake up I'm blindfolded and gagged and I can feel my legs and armpits are shaven, I can feel I'm wearing women's clothes. I'm tied  to a bed, facing down, with some pillows to raise my ass. I overhear my captor walks in, discussing with another man how much he'll rent him my ass for, my ass is fondled and inspected to see how much it's worth, they agree on a low price, the client lifts my skirt, pulls down my panties to my knees and rapes me.
• I wake up in a woman's body. I'm lying on a bed, blindfolded, and my wrists are tied to the bedposts. I have no idea how I got there or how come I'm a woman. A man walks in, climbs onto the bed, and proceeds to fondle me, tear my clothes off. I plead with him in my  now girly voice, I tell him I'm not a girl and he just answers I've got tits and a pussy, eventually he's ripped all my clothes off, and he spreads my smooth shapely legs apart with his hairy, strong legs, he's much stronger than me, then he proceeds to fuck me.
• I'm magically given the chance to spend a day as a woman, and there is some girl who knows about me and helps me. We discuss how to make me look more slutty: if fishnets, stockings or bare legs are better, what color of high heels i should wear, etc. she applies a ton of makeup on me, etc. I ask her to take some lipstick and write 'hole 4 cock' on my lower back (i wear only a skimpy top) with an arrow pointing down to my ass and to take me to the best club to get cock. Among other things, I imagine myself at one point getting fucked on all fours behind some bushes by some drunken stud.
• Being gang raped. 
• I wake up in a woman's body. A woman that has just been sold as a sex slave.
• I wake up in a parallel universe where I'm a teenage girl. I'm at home, alone except for the handyman who is doing some repair work. I have no money to pay him, so he takes my virginity in lieu of payment. 

 I so wish I was her...

Gay, tranny, something else?

I'm not a regular gay or bisexual guy.  Because I don't fantasize that much with getting cock in my ass or mouth (though I've done both), my fantasies mostly involve having tits and pussy and getting cock in my pussy.

I'm not a tranny. I don't want to be female for anything other than sex. I'm not interested in things like shopping, or even dressing like a girl except in preparation for sex.

But I'm not straight. Not just because I've given blowjobs or had cock up my ass, but because my typical fantasy is something like this:

But I don't fantasize I'm the guy.

Introducing myself

Hi, I'm a guy, and I used to have a girlfriend and I really liked fucking her. So far, so normal. What is more unusual is that pretty much every time I fucked her, I fantasized I was her - that I was the one spreading my legs and getting cock in my pussy. This even more so when we did bondage or role play. I bring her up because last night I had a dream - I dreamed about her, and the important bit is that the dream ended when we were both side by side, each getting fucked doggy style by a stud.

So I'm writing this blog in part to try and understand my desires, my fantasies - and to share them with others who may feel the same.

I don't want to fuck her body, I want to be fucked in her body.